HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2059
1. Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.
2. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.
3. Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
4. Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.
5. A couple petition's courts to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
6. Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
7. France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica. No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!
8. Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
9. George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2060.
10. Postal Service raises price of first-class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
11. 85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise are the key to weight loss.
Average weight of American's drops to 250 lbs.
12. Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba.
13. Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
14. Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States
15. Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.
16. Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
17. Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
18. A Couple Finally Had Sexual Harmony,
19. They had simultaneous Headaches.
20. Average height of NBA players is now nine feet seven inches with.
21. Only 3 illegitimate children
22. New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2060.
23. IRS sets the lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
24. Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines
25. I Love This Country! It's The Government That Scares Me!
26. Stop organized crime. Re-elect no one.
Live Simply... Love Generously... Care Deeply... Speak Kindly...